AGM 2005
Transcription of the 2005 Annual General Meeting of Barlaston Hockey Club
Held at The George & Dragon, Meaford
20th April 2005
Attendees
Tim Gray, Nick Davies, John Tymons, Adrian Peacock, Marnie Butters, Dave Mason, Mark Rushton, Ian Kavanagh, Seb Lewis, Gareth Morris, Fred Marsden, Richard Lewis, John Lewis, Chris Buckley, Nick Ruddick, Chris Amison, Chris Holland
ND I’d like to thank all for attending and call for the Honorary Secretary Tim Gray to read the minutes of last year’s meeting.
TG Thank you Nick. The minutes from last year’s meeting are as follows. Meeting held blah blah blah… attendees blah blah blah… blah blah blah…. blah blah blah….. blah blah blah… One thing of particular interest from last year was the following statement from incoming 1st XI skipper Gareth Morris “I, the great Gareth Morris, am honoured to take on this onerous task of leading the might of Barlaston’s fist eleven. I hereby declare that I will lead us to great glory and accolade. I have a five year plan – we will be sitting proud atop the National League Division 1 by the spring of 2009. All this I will achieve by force of will and cunning tactical acumen. I will mould a team in my image and we shall be great”…. blah blah blah…. blah blah blah… and that concludes the minutes of the last AGM.
ND Thank you Tim, would anybody like to vouch for the accuracy of those minutes?
CA Me me me!!
ND Anybody who was actually present at last years meeting? Thank you Ms Butters. Now moving swiftly onto this years apologies.
TG Apologies from Mark Andrews – he’s hospitalised with a bad case of gout. Mark Broady – his weight problems means he’s confined to his bed. Neil Curtis – with the meeting being held outside the borough of Stoke his visa is not applicable. James Lawson – his wife is away from home and Jim says he can’t leave the house. He’s also cried off from training with a sore wrist.
ND And so moving onto the sordid matter of coin – Mr Treasurer.
JT We’re OK. What did you expect? We’re always OK which is more than can be said for my knee. I keep turning out for this club without thanks, year after year with gammy knees and a dicky ticker. Nobody ever talks to me it’s just not right. I’m 63 you know.
ND Thanks John. Playing matters….
GM Ermmm, my five year plan is slightly behind schedule. I had this year down as a glorious promotion campaign but the attitude of a few players left a lot to be desired and a few bad apples turned the barrel rotten. No names need mentioning but Rushton and Marsden simply cannot afford to drink before or during a game. But I’m hoping for great things next year.
IK Not a bad year in the seconds – we amassed 18 points, six of which were on Andy Sambrooks driving license, had three stomachs pumped, broke four bones and accrued a total of 6 nights in the cells. We’re moving forward.
MB Bucko scored some *$@~*&^ goals, Dutcher had some *$@~*&^ fights and I *$@~*&^ *$@~*& some *$@~*&^ *$@~*&^.
NR The badgers played 22 games, winning 7, drawing 10 and losing 9. We scored 33 goals averaging 2.1 goals a game. We averaged 48% possession with our opponents averaging 54%. On average we completed 234,842 passes per game and won a total of 84 short corners, of which we converted 50%. My pleased to displeased ratio integer for the entire season is 1.34.
ND Thanks for that skippers. Let’s move onto the Election of Officers. I’m assuming all current incumbents are willing to continue in their roles….
(Much mumbling and fidgeting)
ND That’s excellent news. Let’s move on again….
MR Actually Nick I’d like to step down from my position as Fixtures Secretary. I’ve had a good run but it’s time to step aside and let somebody else in on the fun.
ND Well that’s very disappointing to hear Mark, I thought you were just getting the hang of it. Never mind, I’ve asked one of my clients to come along and act as Resignations secretary for the evening. If you’d just like to step outside into the car park you’ll find a certain Mr Harold McSolid waiting to accept your letter of resignation.
MR Ok…. This is all very civilised and organised.
(Rushton exits to the car park)
ND Any Other Business?
FM Some of the lads have been thinking… perhaps we’d be better off swapping allegiance and joining the North West league. You know, less travelling – less travelling to Birmingham at least – new challenges, that sort of thing.
TG I’d agree. I’ve heard a few whispers to that effect…… My word there seems to be quite a kerfuffle on the car park.
CA Yeah, let’s change leagues. New league, new league, new league, new league…
(A dishelleved Rushton returns to the meeting)
MR After having consulted with Mr McSolid the Resignations Secretary I’d like to withdraw my resignation forthwith. Furthermore I’d also like to be considered for a few extra posts such as Press Officer, Coaching Contact, Kit Manager, Bus Driver, Tea Lady and Blame Monkey.
ND Well this is an unexpected but pleasant turn around. I think I can speak for the rest of the assembly and offer thanks for your generous offer Mark and long may you continue in your new roles. Just to fill you in…
MR No thanks, not again.
ND ..on what you’ve missed – there’s been a motion presented to the meeting that we move away from the Midlands Hockey Association and throw our lot in with the North West boys. Any more comments?
CA New league, new league, new league, new lea..
DM I’d like to second the proposal and maybe add a few extra sub motions.
ND Fire away.
DM I’m all for a new start and a few more challenges, but I don’t think our proposal goes quite far enough. What say we really put the cat among the pidgeons and start our own league. The League of Barlaston!! We’d be Kings in our own backyard.
JL Fine words Dave but who would we play?
DM Who cares. We could make up rules and hold meetings. We could form a thousand committees. We could have Annual General Meetings and Extraordinary General Meetings and bi-weekly sub committee conventions. We could have an Administration Officer, a Filing Supremo, a Head Bureaucratic Engineer, an Assistant Head Bureaucratic Engineer and….
CB I know who we’ll play.
TG Who’s that Chris?
CB Cannon fodder. Team after team of weaklings. We’ll invite ‘em all to join our new league, get ‘em down here and then CANE THEM TO KINGDOM COME!!!!! We’ll bag brace after brace and be top of every division – the blood will course through our veins once more.
AP Where are we going to find all this cannon fodder?
IK I’ll tell you where – I’ll make forming a hockey club a condition of my parolees. Get a shite team together or get back to the Big House. We’ll make them play in ball and chains.
CB Now we’re talking. I want a seven year old vision impaired kid in every goal.
ND I think what we’re getting at here is a burning desire for autonomy.
(Amison furrows brow)
ND If I’ve judged the mood correctly I think we need to act quite decisively and radically if we are to scratch this particular itch. What I am now putting to you is this …. We not only break away from all known hockey associations but also from the international political community. I say we form an independant state and declare martial law in the Peoples Democratic Republic of Barlaston Hockey Club!!!
(Much cheering and hollering and shouting of ‘Here here’).
TG This is a new beginning comrades. I hearby announce to the world that the PDRBHC demands recognition on a global stage.
DM We need a constitution. And some other rules and stuff. And some commitees.
ND Brother Mason is right. Who will be first to help forge our new Constitution?
SL I say we declare all other gatherings of hockey players and officials unconstitutional and unlawful.
ND Motion passed.
FM All Tee Shirts to be tight.
ND Motion passed.
TG This is all very well but we need some structure. We need some officials. We need an election.
JT We need a President, a King, an Emperor, a Grupenfuhrer.
ND I declare myself President of PDRBHC!!
ALL “Viva El Presidente”
TG I am King!!
ALL “Long live the King”
AP I crown myself Emperor!
ALL “Hail Caesar”
CA I’ll be the Grupy-thingy
ALL “Heil Amo”
JT What we really need is an offering to Sherwanaldo – the Great God of Hockey. We must go forth and construct a man. A man made of whicker. We will then put a man into our whicker man and we will burn the men to appease Sherwanaldo. If we offer this to the God of Hockey our Peoples Democratic Republic will prosper and we shall have cannon fodder wherever we go.
ND To the car park!!!!!
(All exit the meeting room chanting…)
“Easy, easy, easy, easy, easy, easy ……”
