Q  James Egginton writes

Well it looks like next season Team Barlaston will have to travel into the darkest depths of the welsh countryside to play some of their away fixtures.
These trips can take upto 2 hours, down long slow country roads, which can get even the most dedicated barlaston hockey player down.

Could any Guru tell me what would be the best musical track listing to listen to for these long 2 hours that would motivate a team ready for battle, to give 110%, to get out of that car knowing that losing is not an option. Music that would inspire the youngest and oldest of hearts.

A.  Prog Rocky Guru No 1 Dave Mason replies

James – what kind of fool are you? Everybody knows that a two hour road trip can only mean a full-on Prog Rock-a-thon. Two hours gets you nearly all of a Gong song and about half of ‘The Six Wives of Henry The Eighth’ by Rick Wakeman. What hockey warrior wouldn’t arrive at his destination with blood boiling and ready for battle after a bit of ‘The Snowgoose’ by Camel. Tub thumping stuff.

On the journey home you can either finish off the song that got you down there or you can tailor the prog rock to suit the post match mood. A resounding victory is best topped off with a soaring late period Genesis power ballad, or maybe ‘In The Air Tonight’ by Phil Collins. Imagine the air drumming frenzy that would induce when it kicks in towards the end! A demoralising defeat could find empathy in a Marillion dirge – what say ‘Kayleigh’ with it’s heart rending portrayal of loss and sorrow. Maybe you’ve spent the game fighting – what you need is some early period King Crimson. ‘20^th Century Schitzoid Man’ is well known as music to kill babies to and would be a very appropriate end for a day of violence and mayhem.

Any way you look at it Prog Rock is your friend, as any number of young players who’ve travelled with me would agree. Every week there’s a scramble among the young ‘uns over who gets into my car. It’s just a pity I haven’t got a people carrier. Then they could all get in with me and there’d be no need for the desperate scenes that precede every journey.

A.  Prog Rock Guru No 2 Fred Marsden replies

James – nothing tops two hours of Captain Beefheart reciting poetry over free form jazz.

A.  Local Music Scene Guru Neil Curtis replies

James – four hours  (two hours there, two back) is just about enough time for all of my bands albums and outtakes if you factor in ten minutes between songs for an in depth critique of just why my songwriting and playing are so good.

A.  Boy Band Guru Mark McKendrick replies

James – believe you me, after two hours of that shit Marsden was playing us, a visit from the Spanish Inquisition would seem like a holiday in the sun. If you want more lads to leave and go and play football on Saturdays then get them in the car with that wild haired weirdo and his Captain Beefheart tripe.

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Q.   Mark Rushton writes

I'm deeply troubled by a number of my opponents claiming to be 'pulling off to the far post' or 'pulling off the last man'. What exactly does this mean and is it a legal manouvre?

A.  Double Entendre Guru Mark Bates replies

Mark - no need to be alarmed. These young men that you are playing against are just trying to devise ways to pass the time during a dull period in the game. Being marked by a player of your stature is frustrating in the extreme and even the cream of these young guys need to find ways to relieve the tension of a hard session under your supervision. It's hard on these members of opposing teams who will often feel unable to come into the game, and so they will be forced to practise their techniques for evading close and hard man to man marking. Pulling off practise during a game will stand them in good stead when they come across a less accomplished man marker than yourself, and they will hence be able to find space in the box in subsequent games. They may shake their fists in fury at your dominance but they will ultimately be better able to play with their team chums and achieve greater satisfaction in future.

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Q.   Gareth Morris writes

I'm well into my first term as First XI skipper and I'm finding that my charges are becoming less receptive to my claims of being a hockey God. They look on with barely disguised contempt when I spin my yarns and try to inspire them with my tales of daring do. What can I do to regain their respect and re-establish myself as a God in their eyes?

A.  Past Glories Guru Seb Lewis replies

Gareth - any fool can ring round and get a team together. It takes a real man to mould them into a fighting unit and foster an indomitable team spirit. You seem to have the right basic idea about browbeating your men into respecting you but I fear you may be getting a bit stale. You need to increase the level of your bullshitting if you want to get them back onside.

Stories about "that goal I scored against blah blah" are all well and good in the beginning but once your men are familiar with the same old tired match reports, and become familiar with your actual playing capabilities, it is time to get a little bit more creative. Try something along the lines of "do you remember when I scored fifteen goals against Cannock", or "that time I saved a penalty flick then dribbled all the way to the other end and netted". Soon your men will start to look upon you with renewed affection - they'll be like kids waiting for tales of Santa Claus. Now's the time to hit them with some real heriocs, such as "when I took on all eleven of their boys in a straightener right after the final whistle" or "the ref disallowed the goal so I gave him a flying headbutt".

Still not respected? Go for broke with "that time a Grizzly bear got loose on the pitch and ate three of their defenders before I stepped in and wrestled it to death" or "and then I found the cure for cancer just behind their goal". Those boys will now be ready to run through brick walls for you. Demand a sacrifice - you are after all a hockey God.

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Q.   Gareth Morris writes

I'm having trouble scoring with the ladies. I've got all the patter and the looks of an Adonis but something is holding me back. Could it be my attire?

A.   Cutting Edge Fashion Guru Fred Marsden replies

Gareth - in a word yes. I've seen you dolled up ready to try it on with the dames and you're getting it  all wrong. There's only one way to dress for such occassions - skin tight tour T-shirts from yesteryear. My personal favourites are for outdated and irrelevant bands such as Budgie or Mott the Hoople. It's important to impress young sophisicated ladies with your understanding of 70's Prog Rock. A pithy anecdote about the time you freaked out at Bingley Hall in 1979 when the Floyd unleashed the giant inflatable pig will open the door to any debutants affections, but if you can back up your tale with a slightly musty tour shirt then you are, in the words of David Lee Roth, going "to get some leg tonight for sure".

If you're finding that your breathing is in no way laboured whilst wearing your Rory Gallagher tee then your Rory Gallagher tee is not tight enough. You'll get a fair measure of respect from the honeys for simply owning such a cool garment, but you won't seal the deal unless that rock and roll memento is figure hugging in the extreme. Boil wash it a few times until it hurts to put it on - you'll be beating the skirts off with a stick.

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Q.   Jim Lawson writes;

I've recently discovered that gin makes me fell great. Can anyone explain the limits of this drink for me please?

A.   Gin Guru Fred Marsden replies;

Jim - there is literally no limit to the power of gin. If you've got the blues after another Saturday afternoon beating gin will pick you right back up. You might be considering giving up the game altogether. Don't make a rash decision without the benefit of gin. Drink gin recklessly for three or four hours solid. Try not to waste time talking to anyone or doing anything, just concentrate on the gin and, maybe, the tonic. Once you've cleared your mind by drinking all your gin start to reconsider your position viz a viz retiring from the game. I guarantee you'll start to feel as though you can single handedly turn around the fortunes of your ailing team. Check the clock - if you've gone past 2am then it's a good idea to ring a colleague or two to share your new outlook on the team. Once your colleague has answered your call talk passionately about your plan for team regeneration for several minutes before bidding him goodnight. Gin has solved your problems and your blues are gone.

Similarly, if you are feeling a little jittery with nerves the night before a big game then drink some gin. We all get big match stage fright but there is a way around it. Fill your bath tub with a lot of gin and, maybe, a little tonic. Climb in and splash around for a while, taking big glugs whenever you feel nervous. When your nerves are conquered by gin continue glugging the gin until all the gin is gone. Get out of your bath and reach for your mobile phone. Text the following message - "I am a hockey God" - to several colleagues, thus proving that gin is the master of all pre match problems.

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Q.   Mark Rushton writes;

I'm getting older, fatter and slower quite rapidly. Can you help me reverse this process?

A.   Older, Fatter & Slower Guru Seb Lewis replies;

Mark - quite frankly your attitude disappoints me. You use the words older, fatter and slower as if they are somehow uncomplimentary. You need to think more deeply about the game. Consider this scenario - you've just surged deep into opposition territory but you've been dispossessed due to exhaustion. In days gone by it would have been your duty to surge back into your own territory and retrieve the ball, but now you are fully within your rights to expect someone else to perform this odious task for you. Meander back to your station at your own pace and wait for the next chance to stampede forward again with abandon. As you can see, your quality of career is improving constantly.

Your career is also improving retrospectively. With every passing year there are less people around who can remember you when you were in your pomp, meaning that newer club members are forced to take your stories of past glories at face value. Without moving from the bar your career is improving. Instead of whining about your aching back and gammy knee think of the benefits of your new found seniority and use them to your advantage. Be assured - your career is improving.

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Q.   Chris Buckley writes;

Can you suggest anything that's good for gout?

A.   Gout Guru Mark Andrews replies;

Chris - Red meat, fine wines, port, full fat cheese and standing rooted to the penalty spot for 70 minutes every Saturday afternoon.

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Q.   Fred Marsden writes;

I keep hearing the words "I'm flanking you Funky" but have no idea what they mean. Can you explain the flanking manouver and advise how best to react when you get flanked.

A.   Flanking and Surging Guru Simon Cooper replies;

Fred - no need to be alarmed. A flank is really no more than a wide surge when one of your colleagues makes a determined and powerful dash along the touchline. Mostly the flanker will be expecting to receive a pass but I imagine a flank on your side of the pitch is more likely intended as a decoy so that you are able to continue enjoying your extended dribble. I'd advise that you merely admire the flank in much the same way barge enthusiasts nod and smile at other barges as they pass along the cut.

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Q.   Mark Roe writes;

After ten years tenure as the First XI Net Minder I still have a weakness for the nutmeg. What can I do - if my performances don't improve I might only last another twenty years in the 1sts?!

A.  Net-Tending Guru Chris Amison replies;

Mark - looking a bit like Sting is no good when it comes to warding off the dreaded Nutmeg. However, do not despair - I have perfected an infallible method to combat this problem. Simply charge out of your goal and hurl yourself face first towards the attacker as he is about to strike. This way your bandy legs will not be exposed to the horrors of the Nutmeg as your face will act like a Shield of Steel protecting the gaping net. Some Net-Tenders advocate the wearing of a protective helmet, but they are sissies. As a Goal Keeper you should be blessed with a sufficient amount of rocks in your head to eliminate the need for girly bonnets and the like. Remember - face first is the way forward. Say "No" to the hokey-cokey. I am invincible. INVINCIBLE!!!

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Q.  Gareth Morris writes;

I seem to be regularly incurring the umpire’s wrath and getting sent off, even though I’m never actually in the wrong. What can I do to persuade the men in pink that I’m right and they’re wrong?

A.  Temper Management Guru No.1Peter Shea replies;

Gareth – this is quite a common problem within our club, and I’m afraid there are no easy answers. What you must remember is that umpires actually know nothing about umpiring and should be constantly advised of this fact. I find that an initial gentle enquiry early in the game will get them on your side. Follow up with a more persistent harangue early in the second half, maybe even arguing about a decision that has gone your way. By now the umpire will be coming round to your way of thinking, so up the stakes a little. Get in his face a bit and really start whining, then walk away – he’s bound to ask you back and then the fun can really begin. Talk over him until he shows you the green card. Continue to talk until he rewards you further with a yellow card. Then as you trudge off keep up the barrage and you might just get to the red, thus proving yourself right all along.

A.  Temper Management Guru No.2 Lennox Death replies;

Gareth – you absolutely must make sure that the umpire is aware that you are not scared of him – or more to the point, his red card. Tell him as much early doors when he tries to show you a yellow version and  ‘Whammo’ – you’ve got him. Full on red. You win. End of.

A.  Temper Management Guru No.3 Simon Edwards replies;

Gareth – all umpires are somehow dysfunctional and weird. Give them a hard stare whenever they blow the whistle and you’ll soon be brow beating these perverts into submission. A few choice words about their anti-Barlaston bias will have them under your control in no time, and you’ll be free to enjoy the rest of the game relaxing behind the goal.

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Q.  Rob Bagshot writes;

I’m due to pick up the award for most sendings off this season but I’m at a loss as to what to say in my acceptance speech. Any suggestions?

A.  After Dinner Guru No.1 Richard Wright replies;

Rob – acceptance speeches are best ‘winged’. Reams of notes and a pre-defined structure will just hold you back come gong time, plus you’ll be heavily toasted by then and probably unable to focus on a sheet of paper. Halfway through your speech…. No scrap that. There’ll be no planned end to the speech so halfway will be impossible to gauge. Let’s just say when you feel properly warmed up. So, when you’re feeling properly warmed up and the speech is moving on apace start to really swear. I don’t mean tea-room swearing either – I mean bone fide man swearing. Irish navvy cussing mixed with the colourful vernacular of the dockyard. Leave no vile oath unuttered and to hell with the company. If you’re getting a few disapproving looks or tuts remind your captive audience that they gave you the award so they’ll have to listen to your acceptance. Your speech will only be finished when somebody dares to get up and escort you back to your chair.

A.  After Dinner Guru No.2 Lennox Death replies;

Rob – I’m from the less is more school of after dinner speaking. My advice is to find a catchy phrase and stick with it. For example, if you’re attempting to give thanks to a fellow club member who has put a lot of effort into organising a gentleman’s evening try something like, “Let’s hear it for John Pilling”. Whilst you have the floor repeat this phrase many times. Sometimes say it softly. Sometimes say it loudly. But do not deviate. Once you’re sure you’ve got your message across – maybe after 10 or 15 minutes – give the floor back to the MC and resume drinking.

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Q.  Mark Broady writes;

I’m a tad on the heavy side and sometimes flag in the latter stages of a game. Can you give me any advice on ‘energy’ foods that might help sustain my performance until the climax of the game?

A.  Diet Guru Mark Rushton replies;

Mark – I too am getting a little heavy but my pre-match regime now includes the use of a new wonder food – the double cheesy bacon oatcake. Initially I used the substance sparingly, not wanting to overdose when my tolerance was low. However, recently I’ve been able to up the pre match dosage from 4 double cheesy bacon oatcakes to 6 double cheesy bacon oatcakes. I like to lay them out end to end before partaking – they can seem like a magical path to never ending vitality. Once I get past the fourth one I like to think the fifth and sixth will take care of me when I get into the crucial last ten minutes of the game. When I’m nearly finished and down to the last mouthful I say to myself… “And this ones for overtime”. Since my new regime my colleagues have commented that I’m as good down the last stretch of a game as I was at the start. Winner.

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Q.  Ian Kavanagh writes;

I’m a defender. Recently I’ve been plagued by a creeping sense of doubt when in possession of the ball. What can I do at times when this insidious paranoia attacks? Please help – I don’t want to be a prisoner to ‘The Fear’.

A.  Defensive Guru Adrian Peacock replies;

Ian – If in doubt boot it out.