Column & Bendecco 2006/07
Celebrated hockey pundits Richard 'Dick' Column and William 'Billy' Bendecco discuss all things Barlaston.
December 18th 2006
RC - Bill it's been a real eye-opener of a season so far hasn't it?
WB - Sure thing Dick. I had high hopes for the 1st XI organisation this semester but they've let us all down in a major way so far.
RC - Not a lot of hussle out on the play zone.
WB - You said it Dick - and it needed saying. Who's disappointed you in particular?
RC - I never fail to be underwhelmed by the supposed defensive rock Mark Rushton Bill.
WB - Rock my ass.
RC - He's maded some big bad plays this season. I've gotta refer you to last weeks match up in Oswestry Bill. The O's second score had Rushton written all over it and no mistake.
WB - If I remember correctly Dick Rushton tried to shepherd a back over the out line and was surprised by a younger man who nicked it from him.
RC - Candy from a baby Bill.
WB - Rushton then belly flopped the attack man and gave away a penalty corner.
RC - It's all coming back now Bill. Aren't you supposed to guard your post when you're defending a penalty inject?
WB - Yes you are Dick, especially when the inject award is a direct result of your weak willed defending in the first place. Anyways, the strike came in from the corner and it was feeble. Lame and bouncing meekly towards the post. Rushton should have repelled it all the way to the moon.
RC - He sure shoulda done Bill but he was too busy cowering 15 yards away from his post. White feathers in the post Bill.
WB - A real yella-belly that boy. But the team as a whole seemed to be a little pre-occupied that day Dick.
RC - I seen some bums in my time Bill but that XI take the title of 'Drunkest Team in the History of Hockey'.
WB - Discounting a couple of tour XIs Dick I'd have to agree with you. Read the role of dishonour Dick.
RC - Bagshot, Robert.
WB - Works do including a sex pest incident with one of the secretaries and the biggest cigar you ever did see. Which turned him a bad shade of green.
RC - Is there a good shade of green that you can turn?
WB - No, carry on Dick.
RC - Rushton, Mark
WB - Him again. Friday half day at work means a full-on Leo Sayer for this ginger soak. Starting with his mum in the Potters Wheel, Fenton at 2pm and finishing in the company of Hem Heath Cricket Club's famed Debating Society.
RC - I hear their meetings can be quite drawn out affairs Bill.
WB - Uh-huh. And there's always a heated debate about some point of order late in proceedings. Proceed with the list.
RC - Simcock, Tom.
WB - A gallon of White Lightening on Blythe Bridge recreation ground. Had to stop his ride on the way to Oswestry so he could regurgitate a little bit of the amber nectar at the side of the road.
RC - Always a good preparation Bill. Forrester, Ben.
WB - Slept rough on the roof of Grange Primary School, Meir.
RC - You can't sleep any more rough than the rough you sleep in Meir Bill. Shall I go on.
WB - Naw Dick I can't stand it no more. Lets try and remember the good times.
RC - Ermmm .... What about when Standard didn't turn up and we got a three zip walkover?
WB - Halcyon days Dick.
RC - What about Pershore turning up to the wrong ground Bill. We were two minutes away from another walkover!
WB - Kinda turned sour when they managed to get to the right ground and trounce us though didn't it. There must be some other good times.
RC - The 2's stole some french fries from Sutton Coldfiled Bill. That was a real result. And Chris Peacock has crushed four or five opposition weiners this year.
WB - Those twelve year olds sure know not to mess with Peacock when he's off his humour Dick.
RC - Ben Elvis' Extreme Makeover made a few eyebrows raise.
WB - Indeed, Elvis has just entered the building Dick. How do you feel the other rookies on the rooster have fared so far?
RC - Well I'm worried about the boy Forrester Bill. Seems to be distracted by his burgeoning relationship with his new special chum Charles.
WB - Could Charles be the Yoko Ono of Barlaston HC and split up a winning team Dick.
RC - Not a winning one Bill, but Chaz sure might do for the first XI. Things have gotta pick up next semester.
WB -Dang right Dick, and what better way than winning a few match-ups?
RC - What about heavy drinking and heavy defeats instead Bill.
WB - Yeah Dick. Maybe it's better to keep the tradition going. We fear change, and winning is a scary deviation from the club's mission statement.
RC - The faces change Bill but the preparation remains the same.
WB - Amen to that Dick.
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September 25th 2006
WB - Well Dick the new season is upon us and there's a real buzz in the air this time round.
RC - Sure thing Bill. The seniors under the tutelage of Borris Morris are talking big this year. Whisper this quietly Bill but there's been some alehouse talk of a Top 5 finish this campaign.
WB - That's some mighty potent ale talk right there Dick. Fifth place in the bottom league in the whole world is no mean feat. Those young guys are gonna have to put some serious performances in to live upto all their bozzy bluster.
RC - And the Twos are again lead by Coach Kavanagh. They're aiming for a record number of nights in the cells this year, and maybe a few ASBOs.
WB - Full on respect to that sort of ambition Dick. But things could be tough for the Threes. They're missing their inspirational leader Marnie Butters this season.
RC - That's a big miss for the Threes Bill. One plus is that it might be safe to bring minors to the thirds shows without having to put up with all the cussing and hollering that that dodgy old boiler dishes out regularly. Where is Butters this term Bill?
WB - I heard she got knocked up by some virile young man Dick.
RC - Whhooo-weeee Bill that's one brave young guy. He must have an iron constitution that fella.
WB - But the biggest story so far this season is the latest betting from Paddy Power concerning who will be the first lamebrain to go to the old ground instead the new Alleynes MegaBowl.
RC - I like Chris Amison for that one Bill. Paddy's got him down as a virtually unbackable favourite though. It's '50,000 to one on' that the uncunning net-tender finds himself all alone at Staffs Uni one Saturday soon.
WB - He's taken a lotta shots to the head that boy Dick. And he didn't exactly have a head start in the brain game either.
RC - No he's definitely not a rocket surgeon Bill. A good outside bet is young Tom Simcock.
WB - He's in there at 3-1 which is a tempting price for a young fella who can turn upto a game on his scooter, forget how he got there while he's playing and get a lift back home from a colleague post match.
RC - That's powerful dumb Bill.
WB - There's also quite a lot of action on Frederico Marsden at 5-1. Every chance he could get ginned up one Friday and autopilot himself to Staffs Uni.
RC - Bill there's every chance he could turn up at Clayton High School and start playing for North Staffs in a gin-haze. He's a real dumbass.
WB - Finally Dick there's some smart money riding on Mark Rushton. It's quite a canny bet at 10-1 when you look at his circumstances Dick.
RC - I see where you're coming from Bill. The average punter's gonna be figuring "Surely the fixtures secretary isn't going to go to the wrong ground". But Rushton could surprise a few people there.
WB - Dick, if he's had to think about more than two other things since he last thought about where the match is then he's liable to be lining up on the Imran Sherwani pitch at the Sir Stanley Matthews Sports Complex.
RC - Do ya think he'd notice he's on his own Bill?
WB - Nuh-uh Dick. It'd just be like another night at the pub with all his pals.
RC - I've met cats and dogs smarter than Rushton Bill.
WB - Hey Dick - is there a price for all of these beanheads turning up to the wrong pitch at once?
RC - I don't think you can get odds on that one Bill. Paddy Power isn't trying to give his money away ya know.
