Barlaston Hockey Club |

Welcome To Barlaston Hockey Club, Founded 1961.

New stuff - Updated 24th November 2008

1st XI are frustrated by Chaddersly thanks to a late late equaliser as Tommy Simmycocky fires a whole load of blanks. Also firing bunches of blanks were Rob Bagshot, Brett Youngman, Dick Lewis, Liam Roberts and Seb Lewis. Roberts did manage to mark a tidy debut performance with a goal and MotM award though.

2nd XI triumph over Evesham to the tune of 4 - 2 with the quickest hat-trick in history from Tony Cairns, who also added a fourth to his tally with a strike so fierce and magnificent that Fred Marsden was moved to write an epic poem about it. The poem is to be set to music in the form of a 3 hour Prog Rock song by Gong.

3rd XI are energised by returning legend Pete Shea and his two goal salvo as they power past a Neil Hemmings 'inspired' Leek 7ths XI. Shea has made a comeback following his completion of a 5 year anger management course and now claims to have reduced his fury levels down to mere Lenny Death proportions. John Davies also bags a brace and his brother Matt completed the 5 - 3 massacre.

The Weiners pannelled Bundesliga giants FC Schalke 3 -1 in the Gruppenrimmers Stadion with goals from Jack Weeman and Chris Buckley. Weiners player/coach Christopher Peacock was unfortunately detained overnight by the German constabulary as he and son Drew were found arm in arm drunkenly chanting 'Two World Wars and one World Cup, doo dah, doo dah" post match in Schalke's upmarket Hammershaften square.

Read about it here - Match Reports.

#######################################################################

Not so new - 25th October 2008

When will the pain ever stop?

Yes these were the sentiments of the Barlaston 1st XI after another afternoon of pitiless punishment at the hands of Kingswinford. A 6 -1 panning was handed out on the field of play before the 'Kingswinford Chilli Challenge' was foolishly undertaken by a number of boneheads in the salubrious surroundings of the Britannia Inn in deepest Dudley.

Just in case they weren't stinging enough from the six goal reverse Longtons number 1 gay icon and Milf hunter Brett Youngman joined team 'hothead' Gareth Morris in the quest to consume a record breaking 24 red hot chilli peppers. Undeterred by the tragic tale of Andrew Lee, who paid the ultimate penalty for neanderthal chest beating when he passed away in September of this year after tasting his brother-in-laws 'killer' (quite literally) chilli sauce, or the fact that the current record of 23 chillis was held by a goalkeeper, Youngman and Morris embarked on their quest to regain the pride that had been stripped from them on the hockey pitch.

All went well to begin with, with Youngman storming into an early lead before the reality of the situation dawned upon him. The fresh faced midfielder is not known for his deep thought processing and he resembled a stupid dog repeatedly catching piping hot chips thrown by it's mischievous master, each time expecting the next chip not to scald it's mouth. The fiery pain soon caught up with him and the lager sales in the Britannia saw a temporary upturn as he sought to quench the inferno.

Morris was able to call upon slightly more nous and employed a steady approach to the ordeal. He monotonously build up his pile of stalks, occassionaly slipping in a shady minature bonsai chilli to simplify the task.

Youngman meanwhile stalled on the 17 mark. Tears began to stream from his bloodshot eyes and his beetroot nose began to run uncontrollably. He called off the attempt and retired to the toilet to 'sort himself out'. After forcibly regurgitating his cargo of chillis he attempted to relieve his lager bloated bladder without first scrubbing the chilli essence from his hands. Third degree burns of the most sensitive nature were duly added to his burden of discomfort.

Morris forged on relentlessly albeit at a gradually reducing pace. He crossed the 24 chilli finishing line just as the hallucinations kicked in. He received a congratulatory handshake and pint from the Kingwinsford captain, which he accepted by saying "Thank you very much Dolly Parton. My name is Maxwell Rimmershaft. I play cricket for Port Vale and I can do a thousand press-ups".

The distressed Morris was ushered out of the boozer just in time as he too saw his chilli cargo reappear in multi-coloured glory. He spent the next 48 hours in the middle of Fluids dancefloor, mugging off some serious shapes as the trip-hop trance house escorted him to a better place.

If you want to read about the pain endured on the pitch check out the Match Report section.

1st XI Death Squad

M. Roe

I. Drago

A. Creed

T. Gunn

C. Lang

R. Balboa

C. Clay

S. R. Leonard

I. M. Tyson

B. T. Fish

T. F. Witt

Last weeks news (23rd September 2008)

First Training Session Leaves Forrester Face Down While Tymons 'Glams it up'

The season is well and truly under way with a ferocious training session taking place in unforgiving Indian summer heat. Ben Forrester found it all a bit too much while John Tymons added a bit of much needed glamour to proceedings. Read all about it and find out how you performed here;

Training Report and Player Performance Metrics

Training will continue at Alleynes High School this Saturday - 27th September 2008 at 2pm SHARP.

Due to our underwhelming playing efforts last season the 1st XI will be plying their trade in the Body Kraft West Midlands 1st XIs Division 2 (aka 'The Lowest 1st XI League in the World') while the 2nd XI will be doing battle in the Body Kraft West Midlands 2nd XIs Division 2 (aka 'The Lowest 2nd XI League in the World').

League games start on the 4th September with the 1st XI taking on local rivals Stafford HC at home and the 2nd XIs opening their can of whup-ass in the reverse fixture away to Stafford. The 3rds and Badgers will either be playing at home or away or not at all.

Game on.

Ask The Gurus - all your hockey issues addressed by in-house experts